all i'm looking at right now are just fragment of memories in my memoir.
at the end of the day, i just want to be happy.
that familiar smell came upon my room today, its been...so long since i last sense that.
and that is the smell of God. God's creation.
i wanna cry it out all to you. God, please free me from all my troubles, my worries and sin.
i feel so hopeless in life now. i feel like my life sucks. i feel so inferior.
i want to run back to the familiar arms, of my dear saviour.
life is getting better with you. God.
but i cant see or feel it...but i know it is...for God you work in mysterious ways. and you've promised to give me more than yesterday, and less than tomorrow.
at the end of the day. i realise that i've not given my heart into my previous rs. i've given it to cy. i aint see anyone that can make me feel this way like him. its been...more than a year since i felt this way.
thank you God, for guiding me back to the right track.
i'll continue to wait till the day he comes back.
i know may be...he might have a change of heart...

if there's love, there's still hope.

i don't like you. i hate our conflicts. i hate what you've done. i hate what you said. i hate how you respond. i dislike many things abt you.
it has always been me who solved these. and you're always in your dreamy land sleeping away while my anger burns out my soul. i don't want to talk to you anymore. you bore me out. you make me sigh. i no longer feel loved. and now what you're doing is throwing me off the hedge. i had enough of crying. i had enough of bottling up everything. i had enough of avoiding things tt are written in my reality just for you to continue this story. and now i'll make an end mark of these pains. you can pray for all you want that i wont, but now i'll. and when you read this message you'll know what it means...let's walk on our own ways...cause i really dun feel comftable at all walking with an alien to my heart. you ain't know anything about me. you don't bother abt many things i bother. i want to break away from your arms. there's no more warmth. there aint no love. there aint no nothing. the more you treat me this way, the more my love decreases. this is conditional love, i've seen thru this. you dun care. you dun make efforts. and now i shall reciprocate what you've shown. i'll no longer care nor make any efforts. i've had enough of your nonsense and i aint gona take it anymore.

Today was a fun day, may be. Haha! I'm claiming it is and yet I'm doubting!
Haha! Decided to blog since I've nothing better to do and I can't be bothered to go out with anyone today anymore since many people just keep rejecting me. This sums up to me thinking twice next time before asking and I'm good as fully book on weekends. Oh well, I'll just leave it there.
Back to the point, the fun part only begun when I went to the library to kill time during my CCA period. My friends and I went to the library and this guy that I added on facebook came up and talk to me, LOL I was like, "do I know you?"! Haha this proves that I'm getting old and stm thought I've once talked to him on fb with introduction and etcs. What really intrigued me was his attitude, the simple words of philosophy that he had said to struck my mind into sense. For example, while my friends and I were hiding behind the computers in the library cause the CCA teacher slipped in her head. When she left, he came up to us and said, "why do you have to make yourself look so pathetic?", that really struck me into senses. Why am I constantly wasting my time and running away and not doing what I am supposed to do? His words really brought me to so much deep reflections. I've been seriously feeling emotionally bored. Many people around me don't talk sense into my mind. And now he did. Yay thank God for him! I just went to his fb account and realise that he's an Aquarius! And this brought me to have a change of heart of likings again, I'm starting to like Aquariuses more than Capricorns. I have no idea why, but well, I guess they really intrigued me. Their characterisitcs are awesome imo. I like people who are straight and lends a helping hand to everyone. Hehe! Since I'm like that myself! xD But I'm an Aquarius in moon astrology terms!! Hehe! And I heard that Virgos and Aquariuses are enemies, but I don't think so. I've actually fell in love with an Aquarius, my greatest enemy deeply the most! Haha I'm starting to feel that I'm a joke. Perhaps its because of this guy. This guy that I've waited for more than a year...his an Aquarius too...but I gave up after hearing from my friend that "Aquariuses do not like to look back." And her attitude is so like him, yes she is also an Aquarius hehe! So yeah..I gave up in the end...I know that he won't come back, so no point waiting sometimes...I really don't mind waiting for someone more than a lifetime...but if he's not coming back then its no point having me waiting...and I've no courage to come up to him and ask him to be back...sometimes I really feel that I'm a coward...somehow...sometimes I really regretted not having the courage to ask him to be back....

But anyway, that's all over, so yeah I'll just start focusing on now rather than the past...it's pointless....to dull over it again...so what if I love him? and so what if there's no future between me and him? The memories we have created have brought me a lifetime joy whenever I recalled of it. The period of me and him together has gone deep enough to win over my heart within a few days. And in a rs, how long you're together or what memories people creates don't matter at all imo... whats important most is how deep the love bonds are between...and till today I ain't feel any deeper feeling than this, except for the one I had for God. My best deepest inquisitions listener...I think still I've yet to see someone better than his...humans I mean...I ain't got not attracted to anyone more than him. Yes readers, call me a flirt for all you want though I've a bf that doesn't mean that what I've is the best. And I ain't lusting, I'm a damn blunt person to begin with. So yeah, I've a change of likings again. Yay I love Aquariuses most out of all the other signs!! xD I want an Aquarius bff!!! I need a bff to listen to my deepest inquistions.... Cause really..I've too much bottled up yet to pour out to one....and I need someone who understands me to be there...not someone who wants to be there but do nothing but making me feel more hurt or just listening there making me feel so helpless....I appreciate their effort but its just gonna drop my moods down..

When I was young...
I thought of being a/an.......
artist.
rich lady.
teacher.
old woman.
actor.
model.
manager of a company.
lecturer.
sciencetist.
archaeologist.
chef.

I wanted...
my own room.
more toys.
freedom.
a pefect love romance.
a dream boyfriend of mine.
good studies.
more friends.
bliss.
more money.
a good school.
to be able to build a good rs with everyone.
to discover more of this life.
TO RULE THE WHOLE WORLD!! :D

And now...
I want...
to be a psychologist.
a happy family.
to transfer to a good school.
to get into my fav course in poly.
sufficient money for me to spend like freewill.
that thingy to don't happen.
him to be with me till the end of time.
good rs with people.
good knowledge.
my walk with God to overflow.

But now all I want is to be HAPPY. And GOD!
I guess my dreams are good as shattered.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13 (New International Version)

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Hehe! For those who went for Dec'09 camp should have came across this verse. xD
To see what God loves is simple, by looking out for what He rejoices over! :D

Dear God, ♥

I've learn that in order to love others and every little thing that God does, we must first receive God's love and give God love. I'd like to start expanding my love for someone hard to love, someone I hate and dislike, my enemies. For I know that life is never easy, it is too easy for me to love my boyfriend, too easy for me to love my good friends, too easy for me to love my likings. I want to do something that is against my likings, and I'll start of with this. I want to care and love others like Jesus did. Yay. I know is hard, really. But I know that through God all things are possible. God, please open up my eyes to be able to see clearly, give me holy eyes. I want to look at why God loves them, and forgive them for what they have done to hurt me, and love the way God loves us. I want to rejoice over what you rejoice over for. I want to grow to become more like you. Help me see like your eyes. Your love is all I ever wanted, with Christ I'll smile through the storm.

Yay I want to love you with the heart of God. ♥ :D

My God is a God that knows everything about me, about you, about just simply anything in this universe. I really wish that I've a pair of Godly eyes and the mind and heart of God. If only I had an idea of how much God detests and abhors sin, I'd stay clear of it. Awww, but I don't :( God, I want it bad. I want to really, seriously really make an end mark of my sins. I had enough of sinning. I want to be like You, like Ezekiel. Now I know I lack of self-discipline to give away myself to temptations, God I don't want that to happen anymore. :( Guide me along my life, I only want to listen to you and not the flapping of other's lips! I want to set my headphone on you and your heart beat! Yay and practicing my walk with you makes perfect! Hehe! xD

Sometimes I feel that only by comparison in things can lead me to the answer of how much I love something. I used to weigh my love for God
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
0  1  2  3  4  5  6   7   8  9  10
♥<----where my love for God used to be in Dec'09
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
0  1  2  3  4  5  6   7    8   9   10
♥<------my love for God Feb'10 :D

Yay I've made big improvements in my love for God! ☺☻

But how about scaling my love for things I both love?
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
God   ♥                                        Boyfriend

I never knew how much I loved God until I had to place him besides the things I loved - Level Up devotions pg 5
I must learn to give up and sacrifice things I like/love for God. Only then, I'd able to focus on and love mainly on God. (: I don't want true love to lose its essence, I want this love of mine for others to regain its true purpose. I don't want my love for You to be another rough estimate like how others weighs. God, help me to love you more each seconds yeah! xD

Don't excite love, don't try to look for it until the time is ripe. Most of the times when you desperately look for it, you're not using your heart.
True love consumes like fire;burning itself and everything around it,
True love shares the same characteristics and desperation, hunger and desire-none of them can be faked.
True love is not only mainly consisting the feelings being true, and also actions and etcs.

Love is invisible, yet so tangible. It has the same characteristics as God. Love cannot be seen, nor felt, nor heard. Our five senses fail to observe it. It can neither be fully measured, nor completely put into words.


God is love. The role model of love is God. All his actions and interactions, is the symbol of love. ♥

Love,
Zeke, your sheep. (: